I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok