turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
You Might Also Like
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Webb. James Webb.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix