Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Super Hand Dog Face
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*