*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
got so much cardio in today
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.