On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You Might Also Like
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.