I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist