I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year