Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven