There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT