There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
getting old is fun
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.