it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Ghost costume 😂
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.