Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
He wanted to make sure😂
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!