Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone