that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house