jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
There’s always that one guy
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
called in thicc to work this morning
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.