I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…