I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*