When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.