Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going