I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]