[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Smile they said.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.