You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m tired tomorrow.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I didn’t come here to be called names
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in