Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.