I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Whisper out to librarians!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.