My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
peeping toms
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one