Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW