New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You Might Also Like
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Personal question. #JustSaying
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself