A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives