It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.