I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’ll be mad as hell!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues