When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me when my alarm goes off
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!