Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I think my mom just blocked me
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.