Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You Might Also Like
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My sex drive has a dui
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
this has to be peak English
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.