An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.