Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
You Might Also Like
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.