[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board