I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god