GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again