[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*