Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.