Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
sry
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word