*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Harsh but fair
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.