Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You Might Also Like
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.