I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Day 2 of my diet
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football