My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
This cat wants you to take your pills
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”