My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’