stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You sure about that?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Waiting for the Charmin
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?