I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.