I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?