Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.